Sunday, October 19, 2008

My Worst Fear...

Some people are afraid of a lot of things in life...monsters in your closet, failing your midterms, what to do next year, what to do in the next 30 years, if you get to do all the things you want to do before you die...

My worst fear is to be forgotten.
Ive always been afraid of people forgetting about me. That Im not important enough to be remembered. That theres nothing special about me that stands out. That Im just like everyone else. That I made no difference in anyone's life.

This fear of mine applies to everything...

When Im with friends, I wonder if my role in the friendship, whether its just me and the individual or me and a group. Like if I disappeared and made new friends, would they care?

When Im in a relationship, I wonder if my treatment will make me more valuable to her? What separates me from the rest? As lame as it is to say this because Drake sang this song and I feel like a loser bag for quoting anyone's songs, but I always wonder, is anything Im doing brand new? (lol...PS. I love that song Drizzy, makes me emo but I love the track lol) When or if me and my girlfriend of the given moment splits, will she miss me? When she moves on to her next, will she still consciously or subconsciously compare him to me? Did I make an impact in her life? Will she ever be as happy or will she be happier? Maybe its not that shes forgotten, but people move on...and I guess that acceptable too.
To me its always been about going that extra mile to make her smile. Its about showing her the difference in the way you feel about her in comparison to everyone else. No one ever believes me but I there is a correlation between my happiness and my girlfriends happiness, and it has nothing to do with me being whopped. It just is how it is. I aint breaking my back for her. But when I do things for her and she smiles, that smile she gives me is more than enough gratification for me... and blah blah blah, mush gush. lol
(PS. My gf and I arent have problems...just so you know)

Bryan and I sometimes have this conversation, and talk about relevance.
We talk about people like Skam, Zeb Rock, Jesar and some others and how they're still relevant even almost 2 decades after they came onto the scene.
We just think and say...where will we be in the next 2 decades?
How do we remain relevant?
How do we remain important?
How long does this last?

As long as we want it to.

This may seem a lil off topic too, but has anyone ever thought about how Kanye West still manages to keep going and never get boring? How his sound is always changing but he's always being accepted (for the most part)? How guys like 50 get played out and get exhausive? (is that even a word?)

Its the idea of re-inventing yourself, pushing forward and not remaining idle.
The clock never stops ticking.
Even though some people may not flip their calendar pages on time, it doesnt mean time stopped.
You need to keep on keeping. Move forward and be innovative. Stand out. Push harder.
Its a really hard concept to take in sometimes, but the only way to survive is to MAKE the difference by MAKING a difference.
Survival of the fittest.

So it all comes down long can I keep on doing event photography for?
Can I really just shoot like every other photographer in the city and still stand out?
What difference can I make?
Am I even different?
I need to figure out ways to progress.
Ways to change the game.
I want to start doing more studio work? I started blogging to show a different side to the people that you think you may know...I decided to become vulnerable and not just share my vision, but my imagination and emotions...I want to open a youth center and teach art, I want to become a teacher and make a difference in the lives of adolescent minds, I wanted to throw parties/social functions to unite the city, I crack dumb jokes and maybe insult myself to let u know I can let loose and not everyone is high strung and egotistical. I dont care what I look like, its more important to me who I am.

20 years from now, I dont want to be remembered for what I looked like...I want you to remember what I did, the effort I put in, remember my drive, my motivation and my goal.

Remember the difference I tried to make, or maybe WILL make.

Everyone says, why do you wanna be a teacher?
Its because I want to make a difference. I feel so many teachers nowadays teach for all the wrong reasons. They couldnt get the job they wanted so teaching was their fall back.

"Those who can, do. Those who cant, teach."

They have no real interests to teach these kids. They have no intentions to make them better citizens. They care about their salary, but what these kids do after in life doesnt matter because they did what was in the job description.
Everyone who has ever sat down with me and had a real conversation to me about life, about my career about my education, about the choices I made in my life has been a teacher to me. They've taught me something...and its probably changed me for the better...I dont really listen to the bad advice for it to get to me and steer me in the wrong direction although I have at times ignored good advice.

I just realized I have no idea where Im heading with this

I should probably get back to prepping for my presentation for tomorrow afternoon.

But ah...

I bet a lot of people are like...where the fuck does this guy think he lives? On some fairy planet where everything good happens with sunshine and lollipops all day?
I sound like a hero from ancient Roman or Greek myth, wanting to go down in history as the watever the crack guy. Yea...maybe Im juss talking all this shit cuz I havent eaten in 6 hrs. lol

A lot of people around are me quite pessimistic and realist type people.
But thats fine.
Someone needs to remain hopeful sometimes.
The realists try to just cope and deal with reality.
Me, the idealist along with a few others, will probably reject reality and will continue to find solutions or new methods of making life a bit different.
Coping with reality would be to sell drugs forever, stay in the hood, keep slinging and be a G for life.
Rejecting reality, is to hustle til you have enough money to bounce, get a legit job, go to school, get a career, buy a house, buy a car or just however it is that you need to do to achieve your dream.
I dont have to get stuck with a 9-5 in an office or in a factory because I dont want it.
I wanted to do photography and maybe one day inspire people around me, and Im working towards what happens in my dreams becoming what happens when Im awake.
Its the idealists who keep the world turning and progressing. Its the idealist daring to be different. Its them changing your reality. (I can name some things but Im sure my scholarly readers will tear me up with the hidden implications and ill be too lazy to respond and forfeit the debate. So you'll have to imagine on your own.)
Everything is possible, its just a matter of how much you want it and how much you're willing to work for it.
Dreams are built on tears, sweat and blood.

Its ok.
You guys can cope.
But Im working towards a difference.
Im not living this life for however many years just to be forgotten.
Ill leave my way or another.
Ill figure it out...just give me some time.

PS. Please just watch this video that I'll understand what I mean

Thanks again for reading...

*will tips his hat


Kizzy said...

::laughing:: Ever heard of zeitgeist Will? Well, lets just say that I was in the middle of writing a blog about, well, pretty much the same thing. Isn't that funny? Anyway, here is a little bit of what I wrote on my blog: "Its really ashame that people are sometimes oblivious to the fact that its those simple things that make this life worthwhile. It's not money, diamond rings, fame, toys, expensive trips, and all that materialistic bull that matters. Whats important is the time you spend with another human being developing a relationship; the time spent making memories and making a difference in their life. When you die your money won't miss you and your car won't tell great stories about your life. I won't deny that life is hard, but the best things in THIS life are often effortless. People often are afraid of being forgotten, with the idea that doing something monumental will gaurantee them a place in history. Here's the thing, you don't need to be included in a universal history to be remembered. Each individual has their own book that you could be a part of. If one or two people remember you, how can you be forgotten? Is it really necessary that the masses exault you? I will remember people in this world that I don't even know personally, but some way or another I feel there is an understanding between us and/or they have made a difference in my life by just being."

Basically, what I'm saying to you is you've already been on the right path to be remembered although it wasn't apparent. If one remembers none will forget. First of a surviving breed, remember? Anyway, you've left your footprint on my life and it is thoroughly appreciated...........oNe

Sean said...

yo Will i got alil shoutbox on the bottom right so you dont gotta hit the comments up everytime lol.

Appreciate that though man, i dont do to much editing to my photos, i like the raw images the camera produces.

Ive been keeping up with your blogs for alil while now man, your perspective on shit is dope, finally decided to add you to the roll. Ill holla dawg.

Chilly Willy said...

to kizzy...

i swear u should just write for
I took up a jillion lines just to write what you so eloquently wrote in 2 paragraphs...but yea, you are right...a little to write actually.
Frack, Im gonna go work on some proficient articulation skills.

to sean...
didnt even know comment boxes existed. from the looks of it ur miles away, its dope to know there are readers from so far away.

and yea...i didnt think u did too much editing to your photography...or maybe that mine are so mediocre that urs just looks so pro. *will shrugs*
Thank you to you too reading...
Crazy to me how anyone beyond who I actually know and see everyday reads this thing. lol but im thankful nonetheless.

torontoremixreader said...

I think you've already made your mark. I mean, you took to the materialist side of people at parties and photographed them - merely from that, anyone that attended the parties knew you. @ York, you were 'the asian dude who takes pictures' .... seems minimal but I would argue that you are in a sense already remembered. I always looked at that as an extremely innovative concept in itself, event photography geared to the clubs rather than weddings and such. I def think that you brainstorming of new ideas will be good for you, so that in case these parties you cover die out, your legacy can still live on. One thing I would say is that the person you are with should make you smile and put as much effort into YOU, life is about tit-for-tat. but if that's the case, disregard.

Jonny.Treeson said...

I ponder these same questions everyday.

We need to create, build, and destroy. Rewrite, redefine, and reconsider. That is the only way we can progress as a society (though we always have to learn from the past).

I'm not worried about you Will cause I know you can do it. We can do it.

The future is now. It's time to make this shit POP.

Haha... I tell myself everyday. God help me.

Anonymous said...

where to begin...i think your fear is legit in that alot of people share the same fear in some way or another...but it is clear that you take life into your own hands...the impact you make is tremendous weather you realize it or not...i think alot of the times we get consumed with our fears and it makes us not see things as clearly as we should...i respect your vision and i think alot of other people do as well...a side from that i think that you should never underestimate the people you touch...those people will always remember you...and honestly most of the time its not the big grand plans that leave an imprint in peoples minds...its the small gestures that show your true character and bring a smile to peoples faces that they will remember...
there are certain people out there with motivation...a beautiful vision...and hopefulness...i don't think that is to be disregarded based on the idea of realism...i think when you have a good heart it shines through in everything you i don't think you ever need to worry about being forgotten :)

Memoirs of Anesha said...

This blog is crazy!

Very deep.

I have to admit...I read it every day!

Morena said...

TRUE-STORY!! If everyone looked at the world like the Gandhis and the Obamas, we would be living in a COMPLETELY different global village.

Ashley said...

Dope post.

Its funny how one idea leads to another. With those idea's comes reinvention and change.

You will make a mark on the world and even if every one on this planet doesn't know you name at least the person or persons that you influence will remember you forever.

Quality not quantity.


Keesha said...

I feel like that everyday, all day Willy!
Only the difference is, you ARE somebody. People like you, and RESPECT YOUR FRESH (so to speak)...
For some people, they are judged and hated on or not even looked at at all because our city is so narrow minded and not open to diversity or new concepts or people that live their lives on their own terms.
You need to be the example for all of us little guys in the corner (or behind the camera) that don't have the means or platforms to make a difference.
It's your time right now babe...Use it well.

Crystal said...

Damn word verification!! Here I go again...

I'm feelin' like comments to your posts require more room. It's as if this comment box is not the right forum for it. Hmmm maybe I'll just start responding in blog form on mine! Ha.

For now I'll give you my 2 cents.

It's funny that while you fear being forgotten I fear not being noticed. I don't mean people not seeing my face in a crowd of others but more like no one will hear me if I speak up. They won't listen to what I have to say. They'll take my comments and shove it into their back pocket along with the other unused knowledge they've gathered along the way. Some of that has a lot to do with not making myself known. I'm working on that. I'm definitely working on that.

You wanna be a teacher Will? Then be a teacher. Teach. Those who can't, can't and those who can, can. It's that simple. Be whatever you want, even if it's only for a week 'cause at least then you tried right? I know some hopeful teachers. Two to be exact. One happens to be my bf who is phenomenally dedicated to his students. It's unreal how much love these kids have for him. I adore it. So there's still hope. A paycheck is a paycheck is a paycheck, but teaching kids self-progressing life lessons is priceless, no mater how you slice it.

All I know is that whatever you end up doing do it wholeheartedly. Don't half-ass. Give it everything you have and nothing less. If in the end it still doesn't work then you can still be proud that you put YOU in it.

As for your gf, I have a feeling she's special. I never met the lady (cause you were too drunk pretending to be drunk) but I think she's a keeper. Give all that you can to her, even if it breaks your back. Reciprocity will follow if she's for real. Even if you put yourself out on a limb and it breaks your effort will cushion the fall.

As for being forgotten, if after you move on from here and people are asking "hey where's that small asian dude who took pix at parties" then my friend, their eyes were more closed than they thought yours were. Clearly they would have missed your point.

I digress...

That was more like 5 dollars...keep the change.

Go boy.


narrylikes said...

"...the only way to survive is to MAKE the difference by MAKING a difference." Yes!

I've had a creative desk job for the last 3 years. All I can think about is getting out.

Do whatever you want Will, as long as you keep DOing.