Some people are afraid of a lot of things in life...monsters in your closet, failing your midterms, what to do next year, what to do in the next 30 years, if you get to do all the things you want to do before you die...
My worst fear is to be forgotten.
Ive always been afraid of people forgetting about me. That Im not important enough to be remembered. That theres nothing special about me that stands out. That Im just like everyone else. That I made no difference in anyone's life.
This fear of mine applies to everything...
When Im with friends, I wonder if my role in the friendship, whether its just me and the individual or me and a group. Like if I disappeared and made new friends, would they care?
When Im in a relationship, I wonder if my treatment will make me more valuable to her? What separates me from the rest? As lame as it is to say this because Drake sang this song and I feel like a loser bag for quoting anyone's songs, but I always wonder, is anything Im doing brand new? (lol...PS. I love that song Drizzy, makes me emo but I love the track lol) When or if me and my girlfriend of the given moment splits, will she miss me? When she moves on to her next, will she still consciously or subconsciously compare him to me? Did I make an impact in her life? Will she ever be as happy or will she be happier? Maybe its not that shes forgotten, but people move on...and I guess that acceptable too.
To me its always been about going that extra mile to make her smile. Its about showing her the difference in the way you feel about her in comparison to everyone else. No one ever believes me but I there is a correlation between my happiness and my girlfriends happiness, and it has nothing to do with me being whopped. It just is how it is. I aint breaking my back for her. But when I do things for her and she smiles, that smile she gives me is more than enough gratification for me... and blah blah blah, mush gush. lol
(PS. My gf and I arent have problems...just so you know)
Bryan and I sometimes have this conversation, and talk about relevance.
We talk about people like Skam, Zeb Rock, Jesar and some others and how they're still relevant even almost 2 decades after they came onto the scene.
We just think and say...where will we be in the next 2 decades?
How do we remain relevant?
How do we remain important?
How long does this last?
As long as we want it to.
This may seem a lil off topic too, but has anyone ever thought about how Kanye West still manages to keep going and never get boring? How his sound is always changing but he's always being accepted (for the most part)? How guys like 50 get played out and get exhausive? (is that even a word?)
Its the idea of re-inventing yourself, pushing forward and not remaining idle.
The clock never stops ticking.
Even though some people may not flip their calendar pages on time, it doesnt mean time stopped.
You need to keep on keeping. Move forward and be innovative. Stand out. Push harder.
Its a really hard concept to take in sometimes, but the only way to survive is to MAKE the difference by MAKING a difference.
Survival of the fittest.
So it all comes down to...how long can I keep on doing event photography for?
Can I really just shoot like every other photographer in the city and still stand out?
What difference can I make?
Am I even different?
I need to figure out ways to progress.
Ways to change the game.
I want to start doing more studio work? I started blogging to show a different side to the people that you think you may know...I decided to become vulnerable and not just share my vision, but my imagination and emotions...I want to open a youth center and teach art, I want to become a teacher and make a difference in the lives of adolescent minds, I wanted to throw parties/social functions to unite the city, I crack dumb jokes and maybe insult myself to let u know I can let loose and not everyone is high strung and egotistical. I dont care what I look like, its more important to me who I am.
20 years from now, I dont want to be remembered for what I looked like...I want you to remember what I did, the effort I put in, remember my drive, my motivation and my goal.
Remember the difference I tried to make, or maybe WILL make.
Everyone says, why do you wanna be a teacher?
Its because I want to make a difference. I feel so many teachers nowadays teach for all the wrong reasons. They couldnt get the job they wanted so teaching was their fall back.
"Those who can, do. Those who cant, teach."
They have no real interests to teach these kids. They have no intentions to make them better citizens. They care about their salary, but what these kids do after in life doesnt matter because they did what was in the job description.
Everyone who has ever sat down with me and had a real conversation to me about life, about my career about my education, about the choices I made in my life has been a teacher to me. They've taught me something...and its probably changed me for the better...I dont really listen to the bad advice for it to get to me and steer me in the wrong direction although I have at times ignored good advice.
I just realized I have no idea where Im heading with this post...lol
I should probably get back to prepping for my presentation for tomorrow afternoon.
I bet a lot of people are like...where the fuck does this guy think he lives? On some fairy planet where everything good happens with sunshine and lollipops all day?
I sound like a hero from ancient Roman or Greek myth, wanting to go down in history as the watever the crack guy. Yea...maybe Im juss talking all this shit cuz I havent eaten in 6 hrs. lol
A lot of people around are me quite pessimistic and realist type people.
But thats fine.
Someone needs to remain hopeful sometimes.
The realists try to just cope and deal with reality.
Me, the idealist along with a few others, will probably reject reality and will continue to find solutions or new methods of making life a bit different.
Coping with reality would be to sell drugs forever, stay in the hood, keep slinging and be a G for life.
Rejecting reality, is to hustle til you have enough money to bounce, get a legit job, go to school, get a career, buy a house, buy a car or just however it is that you need to do to achieve your dream.
I dont have to get stuck with a 9-5 in an office or in a factory because I dont want it.
I wanted to do photography and maybe one day inspire people around me, and Im working towards what happens in my dreams becoming what happens when Im awake.
Its the idealists who keep the world turning and progressing. Its the idealist daring to be different. Its them changing your reality. (I can name some things but Im sure my scholarly readers will tear me up with the hidden implications and ill be too lazy to respond and forfeit the debate. So you'll have to imagine on your own.)
Everything is possible, its just a matter of how much you want it and how much you're willing to work for it.
Dreams are built on tears, sweat and blood.
You guys can cope.
But Im working towards a difference.
Im not living this life for however many years just to be forgotten.
Ill leave my mark...one way or another.
Ill figure it out...just give me some time.
PS. Please just watch this video that I attached...you'll understand what I mean
Thanks again for reading...
*will tips his hat