Sunday, October 5, 2008

My Troubles...

This is a picture of Fran'Cisco' and I back in highschool. He was basically my brother through all of high school. I dont really have a picture from the time period Im writing about, but this picture is probably closest to that moment.

I was a very troubled teenager back in grade 9. I had just moved out of my mom's house and moved in with my dad. Moving in with my dad wasnt the easiest adjustment that I ever made.
My parents had a lot of problems with eachother even though they separated shortly after I was born.
Their resentment for each other was often put on me. Im sure many of you guys can relate. I had moved from Mississauga to North York where I went to Amesbury and later on to Boylen. My friends that I left behind started feelings ways about my new friends and me not being to visit as much anymore. I never really felt comfortable at my new highschool. And at home with my dad I always felt excluded from the family that consisted of my dad, his wife and their 2 sons. I slept in the unfinished basement with a tiny window in the corner. (PS. I have this thing with dim lighting...my mood is greatly affected by the amount of lighting that I receive). I didnt like high school either. I dont know...same shit every other teenager goes through I guess.

As you may predict, I was contemplating suicide. My mind was filled with depression, wishing I was born in another life, in another body, in another time, with different parents with different friends. But like I said, my problems arent unique to other kids at that age, and they probably werent that severe.

I started writing a lot of poetry to vent. My french teacher Ms. Rosvelti started keeping an eye out for me after she read this:

WILL YOU CRY

Many nights Ive sat outside
Waiting for the Sun to rise
Counting down the days til I die
At times Ive felt it was time to bid farewell
Because my life seemed like a living hell
When I die, will you cry?
For about three days, but your eyes will dry
Will you see me tomorrow?
You'll never know
Maybe tonight Ill let myself go.
Fourteen years I have stood
But youve knocked on me
As if I were wood.
Upon my bed I lay at night
Planning for my final flight
To the place that has no light
For if I dont return
Then you will have learned
That I have left
With that great theft
Of taking my own life.
There are many reasons for me to leave,
But for if I do,
Do not grieve
Its just because I dont want to breathe.
For I love life
But does life love me?
Yes or no
We will see.
How much longer must I live this way?
This will all pass they say.
There were reasons for me to stay,
But theyve all gone away.
I want you to know
Ill still be thinking of you
Even when I close my eyes,
For that very last time.
When I die...



...Will you cry?

Theres nothing super amazing about the poetry or my use of devices and my selection of words...but it gets the point across.

Anyways, I planned out how my last day would have been and I headed off to school to say bye to my friends...no one knew what was going on. (In retrospect, this is absolutely lame) But my french teacher was curious as to why I was extremely emo the entire day...

Well, lets just say Ms. Rosvelti saved my life and the rest is history.

But sometimes I think, man, what would the lives of everyone else have been if I was no longer here? Like anyone Ive ever touched or affected? How would everyone else carry on without me? Like how would my mother be? My father? My siblings? All of the girlfriends Ive ever had? All of the friends that Ive being lucky to have? Basically, every wonderful momeny I have ever lived through in the last 9 years would be non existent. No you. No me. No anything. Just nothing.

To think that I may have died and not have experienced everything in the last 9 years is a really depressing thought. Especially with who I know and have in my life now...
As hard as somethings were to deal with growing up, in the first 14 years or the last 9...I would do it all over again if I had the chance to...
I would live this life again, exactly how it was.

Appreciation and value is only gained through struggle and suffering.

I have never once thought about suicide since then.

As cliche as this sounds, what doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger. With every other obstacle you overcome, you build more character. Life is a lesson. Dont give up so easily. Things always get worse before they get better.

Ms Rosvelti, wherever you are now, thank you so much...

9 comments:

be. • TheLegendsLeague • said...

..proud of you bro.

Anonymous said...

I check your blog amongst many others... I lost my best friend to suicide and my life crumbled from underneath me, things got easier eventually but took a long time.

You have a lot of strength to express these thoughts.. and I am happy you made the choice to continue on..
peace

Anonymous said...

Wow... it takes great courage to actually express these thoughts with hundreds of people you don't know. Mad respect to this blog, who knows you could be relaying this msg out to encourage someone else.
Glad to see you chose the right path!
- ClassicCass

Anonymous said...

your poem reminds me of the poem in the movie Antwone Fisher

i got a little teary near the end... beautiful!

Trimaine said...

Damn homie. I would have never imagined that you were contemplating that.

Considering we hardly ever, I really don't think ever chilled in high school...unless mutual friends were together. This is still shocking to me, you seemed like just a chill type a guy. Mad cool, who bussed jokes @ times.

Remember when you tried to get waves in your head? I come to school late as usual and the caf was on blast.

"Yooo...Will has waves."
I was like......"What? Will? You mean, asian Will...wtf, how?"

Lol, you had the barber cut them in, looked sick still.

Glad you kept your head up and pulled through that shit. Theres just too much too live for, too much to overcome to wanna cut it short.

b. Easy

Crystal said...

Your poem is you. The right selection of words and the right timing of sentences. It's you and nobody else. Prose and metaphors were not your purpose, what you got out was the only mission necessary. It's beautiful in it's own right because it is a part of who you are.

Go on Will!

Peace!

iLUVLOLA said...

I looked @ at that picture of you and Cisco... and I think I have a similar shot with you or with Anthony at my school, and I was like god no...tell me Will did not put those pictures up.

I can understand what you were going through, and I can very much relate.

I still remember my old high school friend will, before the famous camera will *sniffles*sniffles*

bclarke said...

i just wanted to thank you for writing this. last week a friend of mine went through something very similar to your situation and reading this gave me hope for her and made me a little less scared.

these problems may not be unique but they're troubling nonetheless but that last bit gave me the most hope. because i want more than anything for her to realize the severity of her actions and the effects it'll have on everyone aound her. and how utterly crushing her absence would be to so many people.

wow, ive never even gotten these thoughts out before.. i guess its easier to say things to people you dont know then the ones we do.
but again, thanks for this!

rosvelti said...

Salut!
C'est moi! C'est Mme Rosvelti! I'm really touched that you remembered me. My husband came across your blog and asked me if you looked familiar and, believe it or not, you did! I remember the events you wrote about in your blog and I most definitely remember the poem. I'm really happy that your are doing well and are helping others by sharing your experience. Keep well.