Monday, November 3, 2008

Lost in BewiLLderment

Here's a picture to lighten up the mood of this mornings post.

Ive been meaning to post up the pics from this weekend's events...but...due to the weekends umm...issues, uploading them and just merely having to look at them has proven to be quite difficult.

I cant hide the fact that Im a bit lost right now and in pain, but I can choose to hide (for as long as I can, anyways) the reason why Im down and out.

And really, thank you to everyone for the positive msgs and the support.
To anyone who knows the situation, please, Id ask that you do not mention it no more. Im hurt but I also need to start healing.
Ive never felt so much loss.
Theres a lot of other emotions I feel, but I do not have to disclose that.

This next point is not to imply anything.

You know what is a real gift and a curse? My 'popularity'. My status in the community. That is my gift and curse.
Gift because it makes me well known, gives me recognition and respect, it gives me opportunity and creates awareness. I receive more love and support.
My curse because it fucks up everything else.
Im upset because this issue has a lot to do with my problems. I never anticipated this nor its consequences on my life. And because Im so relatively new to the attention, Im not sure how to handle it. My lack of understanding for this issue has led to a lead to a lot of trouble for me.
Im fine with the attention around me cuz it doesnt affect my mentality and my ambitions, but the attention around has quite an effect on other realms of my life. It certainly takes its toll.

I wont even lie to you, sometimes I dont know if I can handle all of this...because of how it affects the rest of me. Im only human. I find myself running on empty a lot and constantly crashing.
I question all of this. I try to think of ways I can just go back to being normal and unknown.
How I can live my life and be uninterrupted.
Its not because I need peace or anything...its because a lot of people, and I mean a lot of people...and very important important people (and yes, much more than just one person) have come to misunderstand me, including best friends. Some people have lost sight of the person I am because they think Ive lost sight of who I am.
And yes, I am falling a part.
Im tearing apart.
People question me, and the question my lifestyle and they question my motives.
People question their capacity to deal with me, my lifestyle and motives.
And it fuckin sucks.
Because when something starts working out for me, something else has to fuck up.

yea yea yea, I know such is life right.

Doesnt mean it still doesnt fucking suck.
Sorry Ive become really bitter again. But it hurts a lot.
The situation hasnt caused me as much trouble as I had anticipated...but maybe it just hasnt kicked in yet.

I have had a very stressful weekend on so many different terms, with different people and for different reasons. I am completely drained...
I havent had a meal since yesterday when I woke up...

I havent decided what to do yet.
To ignore my feelings...or to give in and get over it.
It would be bad if I forgot without giving in to my pain...because I am human.
But it wouldnt be good either if I have into them and sulked...because I am human.

The pain and emotions remind me that Im human...that Im real.

I am lost in the entirety of the meaning of the word.
Sometimes I find myself wanting to just quit the blog, quit facebook and just disappearing.

But sometimes I say that I cant...
I cant run and quit everytime things get difficult.
Maybe certain people just werent meant to be in your life.
Some people in life are only in your life as long as they need to be to serve their purpose.
Once the point or lesson is received...they move on.
(Im still not referring to just one person or anyone in particular.)
Maybe I need to come to accept is about sacrifice...
You have to risk something to gain question now the cost of what and for what?

Maybe the conditions just arent right at the time being and I need to just relax and recalculate this. This (in general) could work out later but I need to better comprehend everything around me before anything else can happen and happen properly.

All I can do is be true to myself and be completely me. I cannot make everyone happy, and I need to remember that always. I too often compromise my individuality and my true self for the satisfaction of others...meanwhile not very many people (friends, family etc) ever really gives a rat ass about me or can really grasp the type of shit I have to give up in order to make things work.

Everyone says, Will, you try too hard. Let things be. You're forcing things.
Well I say, I dont know what kind of level of quality in treatment you're used to but his is just how I am.
Im not 'trying' to do anything. Not trying to force anything. This is me. This may be trying to you or forceful to you, but I act this naturally. Im a giving person.
When you're mom is folding your laundry or cooking your food, your mother is trying to anything or forcing you to feel anyway, she's just being herself. She's just being your mother.

I dont half ass certain things because I cant play the 'what if' games. The more what if's I can eliminate in life, the better I feel. I need to know ive exhausted all options and potentialities.

This issue of people misunderstanding me in this area or questioning their position with me in referrence to my growth as a person has been a problem of mine for over a year or so now. But of course at different degrees and with different people.

I just feel so lost, because I feel that no one really gets me.
Especially when I really need them too.
I cant travel this road alone, I need company for this journey...I have a long away to go still.
A very long way...

I 'popularity' is so minor right now...Its only within the community and people are already misunderstanding me and bailing...what the hell will happen if this does get more intense? What then?
(PS. I am in no way blaming this issue on the reason why my weekend was bad. There were a combination of reasons for that which I will not discuss...and plus, I had more than just one thing go wrong this me...Halloween definitely has a new meaning to me now)

Im sorry guys, this is just a very difficult time for me.
I mask my problems really well in the faces and presence of other people because I dont like to burden people with my issues. We all have enough issues as it is, you dont need to pile mine on top of it.
I post my issues on my blog, because you can read it voluntarily as opposed to me forcing you to listen to me in person.
I beg for your understanding and patience.
Im having to find myself again and having to re-build myself in a different manner to keep myself operational and forward moving.

Like my homeboy Corwin said, everything in life happens for a reason. Trust that good things happen to good people. Let life play.

This is just how life works.
It fuckin sucks sometimes, but to get to heaven, im gonna have to travel through hell.

Im sure this is just a tip of the iceberg. Shit is only gonna get worse from here...Im sure this isnt as hard as life's going to get.

How much am I willing to lose to gain?
The worst part is, my gains arent even for selfish reasons...and my losses are quite large...

As it stands right now, I feel like I am losing a lot more than I am gaining.

Can I stand the rain?


Kizzy said...

I don't know what you're going through personally right now, but it seems its really got you in a fucked up mental space. I do know what its like when all of a sudden a lot of shit is just going south in your life all at once. You kind of feel trapped in unfamiliar territory, you wanna run but when you think about it there's no where and no good reason to run. Being surrounded by others is good, but try and keep that time for yourself. I know its easier to walk down a rough road when you've got company. You got a realize that you'll miss the really important shit on that journey if you're distracted. I'm not saying to be some weird emo freak locked up in your room the the dark either lol.

My Moms always put it to me like this, you and the people closest to you are going to go into a storm together and not everyone is going to make it out because not everyone will try. But the ones that do make it out, the ones that fight to hold onto you are the ones that will be there forever.

I'm rambling, but I'm sure you already know this life is a process. As much as people try to skip steps, bend corners, and cheat life is gon' do what it do (pardon the grammar lol). Don't fret Will just remember, positive thoughts reap positive action...........oNe

tilt said...

of course u can stand the rain will...

ur boy Corwin is right, everything in life happens for a reason... and the events that happened in urs makes u who u are...

remember ur post about teachers are the ones that mold u... well a teacher doesn't have to be a person...

it can be events as well... (don't mind my carl jung/buddha/psychonalaysis here)

what happened is a life lesson, like we all get. the road to success/happiness can't always be easy... we have to have down moments in order to have upper ones... it makes us appreciate things more inturn.

be grateful of what u got and we're all here for support.. whether its the team, whether its ur bloggers, whether its ur friends.... we are all fam. and together u can't fall but for the moment, we can help hold u up.... but in the end ur the one that has to walk on those 2 feet of urs.

u create ur life, ur thoughts, ur images. Happiness is a state of being and u create that state of what goes in ur head. Out of alot of photographers I've seen, ur pics tend to grasp a uniqueness and brilliance that only ur eyes can see Photo Will. It's part of the reason ur popularity has grown in the industry but also because of this blog u are letting urself become u, and that's what matters brother. That you are u and except you, and ppl have to except that themselves or they can fuck off.

in order to love others, u gotta love urself first.

Take some more pics, just shoot shoot and shoot, and try to find things that are unique and brilliant like urself dude.

When i'm down, i just play music, and keep spinnin'... same goes for u... just keep shooting...

and enjoy the little things of life, cuz craziness is everywhere and i know ur eye can see it.

'the person that stops to THINK about something, gets passed by the person DOING it. so just do it!'

one love.

Anonymous said...

Try to zero in on the things in life that make you happy right now and the people that help you be who you are. Write about them if you want. I would love to read it. It might help you look at your situation differently and get things into perspective. Good things and good people are your only life preservers and they'll always be there so make good use of them and repay the favour when they need it.

avid reader of your blog said...

I cannot wait to see what an extrodinary, impeccable, and phenomenal person this situation makes out of you.

When you go through rough times, something spectacular is waiting on the other end......always remember that, even when you can't see things getting better. Because they will, and always do.

So my wonderful blogger, hold on and just endure for a little while. Joy comes in the morning....

Crystal said...

Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right. To a degree I believe life is what you make it, but on another level I believe there is a plan for you.

I think I've said this before but anything you ever want bad enough never comes easy. It's so true and I've had to learn and re-learn that many times.

I'm not going to say "there there Will", or "suck it up, it could be worse", or "look on the bright side" because I think you're smart enough to have already acknowledged those things.

You're going through various feelings right now that you have to go through. Part of healing is confronting your emotions and LIVING IN THEM. Not dismissing them or changing them because others around you don't get it. That is ok. As long as you are honest with yourself you have progressed. Only you know what's best for you and if others disappear for a bit or forever because of it then that's what it is.

Easier said than done. Trust me, I've BEEN THERE. It's fucking confusing to say the least.

Anywho Will, you'll make it out alive. Juss try and keep your head up so you can see the next step.

"Faith is taking a step without seeing the whole staircase" - MLK Jr.



Crystal said...

and one more thing... I heard this quote inna movie one day, I forget the name...

"Life, like flowers, need rain and sunshine to grow and flourish. So let the good times be the sun and the tears be the rain in your life".

Keep on keeping on dude.

Peace. Again.

Anaya Hayes said...

find your own space.....
there's "photo wil!" and then there's YOU....
those who really care about you...the "YOU" that's going to keep evolving throughout your career and your popularity and the YOU that is going to keep growing...those ppl...those ppl will stick around regardless of how different your relationship with them becomes...and you will do the same for them if you truly care.
It's as simple as that. Cut Dry and Clear as day.
I promise....there's no way around it.
Even ppl that have "normal" jobs...feel the resistance or the jealousy or the negativity from those who say they "care" when that person makes achievements and evolves into the person they're supposed to be.
some ppl are destined for a certain type of "greatness" and you cannot ever hold back because of those in your life.
you should hold back for no one. if you do, you'll always regreat it.
and if you don't, those who love you will respect you more than they ever had before...and those who hate you..will hate you even more...for being everything they wish they could have the courage to be.
those who are REAL, will come forward...they always do.
what's unfortunate about it, is when those ppl do come forward, you'll realize that those ppl..are far fewer then the lineup of your "friends" or "lovers"....
they are FAR FEWER.
enjoy it!!!!!....
if you work HARD and you're REAL with yourself first and always...u will recieve everything you deserve.

(couldn't help it!)

Anonymous said...

i don't know you but i read your blog alot. I can't say that i know what your specific problem is but i empathize with your situatuion. THe majority of my life i have had this popularity that exceeds my comprehension. It has has ended about all of my friendships and relationships. i'm not saying this is going to happen to you, the only reason it probally even happened to me was because i haven't lived anywhere my entire life and or at least long enough for people to like me for who i am as opposed to liking me for who i seem to be. popularity isn't anything a sane person thrives for, its something that usaully happen to individuals who are completley fine with being themselves fully,but it usaully get interpretated wrong. what i mean by interpretated wrong is that just because a person is comfortable in that space doesn't mean they desire it. im my experiences the people in my life didn't understand how much i valued them and inturn found ways to end the relationships thinking that i could handle it because everyone knew and liked me. What i was never able to articulate was that i didn't give a fuck about any of those people, i cared about them. I still have the issue and wish i was invisible half the time so i could live a normal life. What ive realized is i have to except myself and the bullshit that comes with my personaltiy because it doesn't matter where i go the same set of circumstances follow. even though everyone in my city knows me i stick with the person that gets me ( my bff) and thats all that matters to me. your a cool dude and greatness seems destined to follow you just keep a base that gets you and doesn't question your motives, its hard but it will evetually figure itself out.

Memoirs of Anesha said...

Sorry to hear your struggles. But with popularity comes a downside.

Unfortunately soooner or later, because of it, you'll realize who your real friends are. Finding that out, may hurt, but its only going to shape and mold you as a person, and contribute to your drive in various aspects of your life.

And for those who have lost sight of the person that you are, because they feel you've lost sight of who you are...don't really know you. I mean, did they really know the brilliant guy behind the camera? I would think not if they felt that way. And its really their loss.

Everything is a learning experience in life...this unfortunate weekend may be hard to overcome, but I think I know by now you're a go-getter. And direct that frustration towards continuing to go get all that you want, and deserve.

D said...

So I tried writing this msg before on my BB but it was acting retarded. So...lets try again.

I've found myself in situations like this before (and now) but like someone said you'll look back on it later and wonder why you let it stress/hurt/piss you off/whatev. Even tho it'll seem like its getting worse before it gets better. As hard as it is to believe things do get better with time. At least that's what I'm trying to convince myself of because I'm going thru a lot of shit right now and feeling like you do. So I COMPLETELY understand. Maybe sans the popularity bit. Although what your going thru may be a little overwhelming you do have to sacrifice for what you love to do. Even if the "popularity" wasn't intentional figure out a way to handle it. Like Anaya said you have to separate "photo will" and William. Leave sometime for William. You should just have happy Will time!...where its not abt work, not abt trying to connect with people, or plan anything etc..Time to refocus, reflect and wrap your mind around all that is happening as a result of the "popularity". Take a drive listen to some music that makes you feel good. (Go to the zoo as your friend suggested) At least that's what I do..a nice breeze and some good music do me right. Anything that you can do to have down time. (Side note: I def listen to Coldplay when I'm feeling like this..but normally my music of choice is Third Eye Blind. I dunno their whole self-titled cd is super sad to me. Nothing like some somber ass music to keep you feeling down but..its good at the time so what are you going to do?) But not everyone is built for that industry and there is probably more to come if you continue down this road but balancing is the key. You can do it guy! can stand the rain and chase the clouds away! Even tho I don't know you you tend to echo a lot of my feelings in your blogs (oddly enough) and you do have a growing fan base who in addition to your friends and fam want you to succeed. Letting go of people is a part of life. Tho it may suck at the the end it may turn out to have been for the best. I def. know what's that's like coming off of a friendship of 10+ years that is now..pretty much non-existent. And it sucks because it was my best friend, but we grew apart. Will it be for the best? I dunno. Only time will tell... But one of the things I liked abt reading your blog and in the process getting a peak at the kind of people you hang with is that everyone seems to be forward thinkers..and you can't get anywhere standing still. If there are people in your life who dont understand the journey your on and are trying to get you off course need to reevaluate those people and their purpose in your life...But keep your head up guy!

And in regards to your phone: since apparently you two were attached at the hand...Glad you found it. Because I can't begin to fathom the amount of contacts you had and how long it would have taken you to build up your connects again....I actually just got my BB a lil while ago (your kinda 1 of the reasons. You kept carrying on about how great they are) however, I dont get it. It's def cool and I be on my email like bees on honey, but I wldnt be sad if I lost it. I guess I need to get some people like you in my life, some good connects, or friends who actually have BB's to understand this hold they have over people..and to try out the PIN msgs..yea have yet to do that...Hmm..none the less..jou' can do it! You'll overcome whatever is taking its toll on you right now. You have a huge support system as you know. But when you are dwn you can pretty much bank on the fact that if you post something you'll receive a bunch of love and encouragement from us anonymous people and other bloggers. Not everyone has that support so..ya know its a good thng..but til nxt time guy..

OD..I just looked at all I its like a mini essay...sorry!


Mr.Warbucks et Fam*us said...

it is like screaming in a crowd yet no one is able to hear you. Something my grandmother like to say "God doesn't close a door without opening a window". I know it feels easier to lose everything than it is to gain nothing. To feel like the wind is knocked out of you and you can't get up from it. That doesn't mean it's time to give it all up. We all have a 'gift and a curse' It just takes a real person to sit down and admit that. In my eyes, your viewed as a strong character in the community. We need people like that surrounding us. With all the things going on in the world, strength and hope are the things mankind is hold on to. "Whatever is lost will come back in the end. If gone forever, it was to do your life better" You know who you are WAY better than me or anyone in this world could know...Do what is right for Will...and Will CAN do what is right for others.


Anonymous said...

Amazing. Does this stuff bug you at all? You post up and then you get flooded with enormous loads of advice that pull you in all different directions. I'm sure your friends mean well, they care for you a lot. But how do you sort out which advice to take and which advice to chuck. Who's right and who's just not right for you?

One more thing too, some people said you should stop being photo will and be William every so often. My question is why do you have to be two people?

The Chillyean