Wednesday, December 3, 2008

...you're a lil too good/lame in bed...

(lmao! the picture above isnt what it looks like! I swear it! This pic was staged *ahem...no really it was...*cough...this picture juss really ties in with the theme of the post. Dont judge me! Im a nice guy still who believes in monogamous relationships! lmao. Im just a photographer, we get no attention or play. *super cough)

Have you ever slept with someone for the first time and was like

"Damn...you're frickin good!"


And then kept doing your thing (same session) and just been like...

"I love that shit! You do it just perfect! Shit!"


And then kept doing your thing and just been like...

"Hmmm...You're a lil too good."


And then kept doing your thing and just been like...

"Are you some sorta porn star? Like a pro sport banger or some shit? Cuz you are so good that its bad. Like bad as in bad. Like how many people have you slept with? Cuz it seems like you're working with a lotta experience under that belt! Pun intended. Tell me you havent slept with more than 50 ppl, cuz thats what it seems like."

lmfao

Or have you ever slept with someone the first time and been like

"Shit, I can tell why you werent eager."

and then kept doing your thing and be like...

"Shit, I hope she aint gonna be all straight face the whole time."

and then kept doing your thing and be like...

"Shit, I hope she like fakes an orgasm or someshit..."

and then kept doing your thing and be like...

"This trick better still be awake..."


and then kept doing your thing and be like...

"Fuck this shit, Im just gonna pretend to buss and wrap this shit up. Fuckin wack attack! Laying there like a starfish and shit! Id rather fuck a watermelon thats been in the oven!"


LMFAO! (that last referrence is from the deleted scenes of "Me, Myself and Irene" so dont get it twisted.


I had this conversation with someone a few weeks ago. Obviously I dont seriously take this issue to heart. If you're good you're good, and if you aint...fuck...that sucks. lmao

But have you ever been with someone who is so good at doing everything right and you're just like damn man, does everyone really get this special treatment? Like I didnt even earn it. You just dropped it like a fucking champ. Moaning and groaning, licking your lips, biting your lips, pulling your own hair, eyes rolled back, swivelling hips etc etc. I dont want this getting too vivid!

Like damn...like I wish you were mediocre when we started and then like with every other session you got better and shit..so i can feel special as if you were catering to me and what I dig.
But fuck, you can drop it this good by default? lmao
Like there's no cheap value meals huh, everything you dropping is the "today's special" huh?

No exclusives?

lol

Or like when the person is real bad like...ugghhhkkk...this must be like ur second time or some shit...like you have to ask them to do things...and they like ..."like this?" or like "ummm...i dont know."
lmfao!!!
Like I can imagine, you're so sucky still because you were so sucky before, then everyone heard and everyone's avoiding you, so you get no play...no experience...hence why you're still so sucky. Sucks dont it? Sucks like a vacuum.
I dont mean to be so mean and rude to people who arent good in bed. I aint hating, I just think this is a humorous ass topic. Besides, 'good' or 'bad' in bed is relative anyhow. Its all about preference. And Ive been watching of those TLC specials...some people have some weird fuct up fetishes...but lets not get into that. *will cringes

I know this must put some killer ass pressure on the girl that may like me now...
Like I can imagine her friend coaching her just before she leaves the house:

"Remember what you read on Will's blog. Dont go all pro and shit and drop it likes its hot like a porn star...but dont go all lame and shit and be a star fish. Balance is key! Be good but not too good. Be bad but not too bad. He's like Goldilocks, not too hot, not too cold, he likes it juuuussst right!"


LMFAO!!!

Im fuckin killing myself right now...lmao (no homo)

Sorry, I like to think of everything as if it were a movie. Like everything is so much funnier. Like bad things that happen are so much funnier if you could pretend you were in the third person watching yourself fuck up.
Like have you ever like walked into something and bashed ur leg, and then just started laughing because you imagined how funny it must look if you someone saw you. Of course it fucking sucks because it was you, but who gives a fuck. Lifes short, laugh a little.
So no, Im not that analytical about sex...

The person could just be the local neighbourhood hoe bag (guy or girl) or they could just love watching porn or reading COSMO or MAXIM?
Who the crack knows? lol

Like dont get me wrong, I aint hating a woman who knows how to put her handle her goodies...its like your exam though. If you do moderately well, no one questions you...but if you get everything right, plus the bonus question, then you flip the last test page over, create a question and then answer it too! Thats some fishy business right there.
But hey, Ill obviously still take the pro...but silly thoughts like that still cross my mind, I pay no real mind to it, but its a funny thought.

But then again, it doesnt matter, cuz I dont sleep around when Im single. Surprised? lol
Remember Premium P? All day, everyday.
If she's good enough to sleep with, she's good enough to keep.
If she aint good enough to keep, she aint good enough to sleep with.
Thats my new rule.
So if shes amazing or lame it doesnt matter, I probably already like her by this point...unless she's ghastly...like on some weirdo shit...than I gotsta bizounce!
I really dont try to sleep with girls on the first date...if I do, I prolly wont talk to them tmr. And I slept with them on the first date, I think...shit it was that easy for me? I barely tried. So guys dont have to try with her? She can give it up that easy? No standards here?
Obviously, that example will differ in different situations depending on situation, circumstances and people...but it doesnt mean it doesnt cross your mind.
I need that chase to know I really do like you even though you're not giving me any. I need to know my attraction is also emotional and not just physical....Im odd.

But thats right girls, I got standards. Just because you have that "sweet, that nasty that gushy stuff" doesnt mean you can "give it to me."

Thats right, I turn down sex.
I dont want what everyone can 'easily' obtain. I dont want the pennies, I want them brown bills (thats the 100 dollar bill in Canada). You can find pennies all over the street even when you aint looking, but you're gonna work for that brown bill and you'll so rarely ever see it floating randomly in the street, and if you do, Im sure someone grabbed it before you did.
And I aint no penny either, fuck that shit. Im that 100 dollar bill, you might find me, but you might not be able to pocket me either! lol

I dont mess with randoms cuz I dont like talking to them afterwards...so its like...after the deed is done...what the fuck do you do...do you kinda get up and leave? Say you gotta do something? Or just be all nonchalant? Or do you just chill and hope she cooks your ass some bacon and eggs?
Or if she's at your crib...like are you like...so like...do you need a lift home? Do you have to be home soon? Its getting late? Im tired...I better take you home before I fall asleep...? Or you better get home, I dont want you falling asleep behind the wheel. Id offer you some food and stuff but my fridge is empty. Sorry Im sleepy, I dont really wanna talk about whats going to happen between us now. lmfao!

Wow...Im a fuckin prick!!! But hey, these are hypothetical situations! This is for the funny movie Im gonna write and direct! duh! None of this is based on real life experiences!

I dont wanna be dating no whores, so I cant be a whore either.
I will never want a woman to be a certain way that I cant be myself.
I expect nothing more than what I cant offer.
If I can request it, I can offer it.
Its about balance.
Learn that!

(And this is not to say anyone that I dated for a short time/few days was a whore either. Just turns out that they werent what I was looking for. Everyone Ive ever slept with, I believed I would eventually date and be with. Dont get it twisted. I aint out here donating no Premium P for charity cases. Fuck that shit, I treat my D like gold)


But yea, by now you guys prolly know, I just like to think of random funny things...

Like who was the first genius who squeezed a cow tit and said, "Im gonna drink whatever comes outta here."

Or like...what the fuck was Superman thinking when he was designing his costume? Red knee high lace boots? Red Underwear over blue tights? A red cape?...geled side split hair with a spit-curl? And somehow hes gonna look intimadating when fighting super villains?

Or like that funny broad at the club who asks me to take her photo like 6 times consecutively because she didnt like how she looked everytime, but somehow she thinks by the 6th time somehow my camera whops up some magic flash and she'll look amazing?....ma, if you dont look good, you dont look good. Accept it, thats you. I can take pics all day of you and you'll look the same. Whether you look good or not, thats on you. My camera cant help you look better and neither did your make up. lmfao!

Oh the girls at the club are gonna hate me for that one!!! lmao

But yea, that shag scene and the thinking bubbles/ voice over narratives would be hilarious for a movie...or not. I dunno, Im an odd feller, I like to think of every scenario that happens in real life and try to think....what would make this ordinary moment so super fuckin funny in a movie...? I should probably really look into directing short films...they'd all be super dorky and quirky tho. lol.

Im wondering now if anyone is going to leave a comment to this post and tell me their own story with their actual name. Im expecting a few anonymous posts...lmao....but thats ok, this is a bit of a funny topic and hiding may be funny.

Hey and dont hate me for this picture...I dont requests these poses...I simply document the evenings events. This pictures been sitting on my laptop for months and its rotting away here... it would be a shame if I died and I all my male readers didnt see this photo...this is the most tame out of the rest of them. But I aint tryna get no one in trouble, esp me, so this is all you're gonna get. :)

I wonder if Im gonna get any "Will you're a fucking dog and an asshole for this post and for the pictures!" lol...ahh fuck...lol

PS. I call dibs on the girl in the black. lmfao!

14 comments:

BrettG said...

Yo homie- drop me a line a bgundlock@nationalpost.com

Anonymous said...

the one in the black is a stripper at cannonballs yo....i think the other one is too lol

Sean said...

yo i read this whole post from my berry at work lol
good read

Jade said...

Umm I dont really know where to post this so it might seem real random consider what this post was about.

I think you should make posts about which weekend parties you'd check out cause they look like maddd fun + Ive been at the wackest parties this month.

sorry if this is TOTALLY out of place.

D said...

Um..wow. You wrote a lot on the subject for NONE of it to be from experience...I see there's a side to William we dont see... mmmhmmm! :-)Kidding..maybe...funny pst tho. And both those chicks look like..what did you say a "...pro sport banger...". HA, thats a little freakin hilarious!Yay for them if thats how they get dwn..or mayb I'm just assuming based on their attire and posing, I dunno. They cld be nuns..Deuces

Spexxx said...

Deuce!

Miss Taylor said...

Brutal honesty....I love it!!!

Grrrrrreat post!!!!

antiparti.cl(e) said...

omg foo u write sooooooooo much!

umm interesting u find too good a problem... like is it
righter to hold back??



writing from experience are you? mmmmmmmm i ono if anyone would hate being w too good unless they were afraid to please their partnerr... what ARE you talking about here??

Chilly Willy said...

lol

these are all scenes from a movie to me.
I dont have a real problem with the topic of the post...its just a humorous hypothetical thought for me to add to the movie I have playing in my head.

lol

Anonymous said...

After reading all that, the first thing that comes to mind is banging my leg and thinking "shit, that musta looked hilarious if i were someone else seeing that". why THAT stayed in my head out of all things..no idea. But yea, same shit happened to me bout a month ago..at the gym..to my bad knee. FUCK. but i laughed.

i seriously think we should make a movie together.. pause.
but for real, you have the same fucked up thought process as me, and the movie would be stupid as shit.. yet would be THE best movie.

bumblebee tuna - jaSON

Anonymous said...

yo homie you are a real ass for most of the shit you've been writing. the girls you fuck with now are are prolly fucking with you because you're photo will. no hate but girls really don't like they mens throwing all thier buisness in the street. you doing way too much, some stuff is for only you to know. i'm not trying to tell how to write your blog but the quality girls you're looking for would not be for all the explicits and details, true story.

Chilly Willy said...

I hear you and the points you make in ur comment...except I aint airing no ones business out here. I aint callin no names...and it aint like I've ever only been with one woman. Although yea...the topic may have been a been a bit explicit, it doesn't necesssarily mean its from personal experience. I'm an imaginative person. I think of funny shit all the time. The women that know me, know me. I've had mad ppl call me or juss hit me telling me it was hilarious. This my brother/ sister, is my sense of humor. To me, if you dig it, you dig it, and if u don't...*will shrugs.
I can't please everyone and neither am I really trying to.
The quality girls that I seek will also need to understand my humor as I will have to accept the way they think and what not.
I can only be me in this lifetime.
I'm not looking for an uptight person whose sensitive. I'm a quirky fellow.

I do understand your concerns tho and thank you for addressing, ill be sure to keep ur words in mind.

Peace and love.

Keesha said...

Whomever you had this conversation with *hopefully* got some points into your argument as well!.....Looks like they did though so I ain't even gonna go off on yo azz!

Post is so dyamn long though nah!
*sucks teeth*

P.S.
I SORTTTTT OF miss ya.

P.P.S. I am apparently now Jamaican...

Keesha said...

P.P.P.S Cannonball girls are smokin' hot and will have sex with you for a good price. Pro bangers FOR REAL!