Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It snowed...I shovelled...


(Note to anyone who read this post from 2am-5am, I've changed the content of this post...so if u read it, its different now.)

Finally, Toronto's first REAL snowfall...

Funny, I took my mom to the mall (again) today, and I said...look its mid-December and its so mild and no snow...my mom said shut up before it snows later today.

...yea...I dont know if I jinxed it or if she did by saying that.
Whatev's.

Winter sucks

In fact winter has always sucked for me. I don't have very many good holiday memories either.

I remember when I first moved into my dads house back in grade 8, I didn't have a room so I slept on the floor in the living room by the christmas tree, while my dad, my stepmom and two other brothers slept upstairs on mattresses.
It was so depressing because everyone at my dads house slept at 8pm...and I was used to staying up til around 11 or midnite during those times.
There was no cable at my dads at the time nor books. I would juss lay staring at the christmas tree as the lights blinked in intervals until my eyes got watery and I fell asleep.
I had juss moved outta my moms house a few months ago and left all my friends behind.

Leaving ur mom and friends behind in the summer didn't feel so bad...but there's always something about winter that juss intensifies every emotion I possess.

Its something about the dry air, lowered visibility, squinting eyes, the frost bitten cheeks, frozen fingers, wet socks, numb toes, running nose, chattering teeth, grey skies, no sun, empty streets, dirt-stained snow and the eery howling of gusting winds.

The intensified feelings of isolation and emptiness...

U suddenly yearn warmth and love.

You know...I don't ever really remember being in love in the winter. I'm usually alone in the winter or trying to win someones heart in the winter. But I'm never really with anyone.

I always feel like winters the perfect time to show your worth and show how much u really care.

I remember a few winters back, when I had a girlfriend I used to sleep in my car in the winter with no blankets.
She lived far and I used to leave late and I used to fall asleep behind the wheel. I knew I wanted to see her the next day so I'd often go drive down the street park up and sleep in my car in the dead of winter.
Well this girlfriend is the only one I've ever been with in through the winter and u can imagine I cared about her a lot to do that.
I think I did that around like 5 times until I was finally allowed to sleep over.

I always like treking through winter storms or the worst days to go bring the girl I like some hot soup or tea, some flowers or a book to read. I like showing you that, regardless of the circumstance, my word is my word.
Unless my body cannot physically take me to you, I will always make it. And i always date girls that live far away. Always. (Except in grade 7).

I've been dying to have a gf in the winter to show up after class and drive her home so she wouldn't have to bus home on the cold, wet, damp and stank ass transit. So she could be warm.
I'd want to have hot tea in the car for her when she gets in, maybe fresh socks and another sweater or a small warm blanket. I wanna rub her hands til their warm and hug her til she stop shivering.

I wish I had a girlfriend to shop for for christmas. To sit down and think about what I'd like to make her...or buy for her...or write to her...or mail to her...or surprise her with, where I wanna take her...skating? Hot chocolate? Fire places in heavy knit sweaters? staying in, cuddling and watching christmas specials? ...what to get her folks and siblings...what to bring to the family dinner. The excitement of her mingling and getting to know my family and friends and vice versa with me. The integration of different realms of ur life is priceless.

(Side note, I know so many ppl, who date and choose to keep their gfs out of their business, like away from friends, family and work life/ leisure...I can't do that. When ur with me, ur a part of my life in every aspect. I want u to know about me and everything that's made me who I am, and I want everyone else to know the reason my heart smiles.)

I wish...I wish I had someone to love...lol. Sounds so lame (because this isn't like a desperate call for someone. Lol. Juss simply articulating my thoughts and emotions)...but I don't think u guys understand the size of my heart...
Some of u guys may think its amazing that a guy like me exists...but my heart is also a burden.
But a burden I'm willing to carry. Because my heart is someone's treasure.


I want someone to adore.

And I'd like her to see that through my actions.

In the summer everythings easy to do.

The winter things get difficult. But I like being consistent. Regardless of the circumstances, my treatment for u never changes unless I cannot physically do so and I know that because I've tried.

You never really understand how cold winters get until you've lost your source of warmth...


I am an oddly giving person and maybe too selfless for my own good. But I don't know how to be any other way.

My heart has grown to be quite cold in some respects, but its also allowed me to appreciate great ppl when I meet them.

It takes a lot more and more to impress me and to move me, but its not impossible.

I've realized that no one will ever be perfect for me. I only look to find a woman great enough for me to accept all that she is...flaws and all.

A woman I cannot do without

A woman I would consider changing my ways for...not to please her, but because I understand my happiness and her worth and to show appreciation.

None of my girlfriends were perfect, and neither was I for them. Its about acceptance and understanding their contribution to your life and its happiness; something I've come to forget every now and then.

But I really do try.

Winters are always cold to me...in more ways then one. All the layers, knits and fireplaces aren't sufficient.

I long for the warmth of a loving hug, a soft kiss, sweet whispered words and shared laughs

And I'm willing to weather whatever storm to get to it.

Winters might get cold, but spring eventually comes...


Thankfully, winter is just a season, and the cold feeling, is temporary.

Winter is inevitable...but so is spring.

I'm waiting to for my 'sunshine' to return the warmth within me...and my 'moonlight' to guide me in the dark...

Goodnite.


Ps. Go play 'sunshine' by lupe fiasco now. One of my fave songs ever.



21 comments:

Anonymous said...

i completely feel you on this one. i've always felt that i've had such a big heart and i can't wait for the day i find a long lasting relationship to show mu man all the things i'd love to do for him and the many ways i appreciate him.

i've been in a relationship for the past 2 winters, and it's my first one without and even though i used to love winter (for some reason, i've never had a problem with winter and everybody looks at me crazy for it lol) this is the first time in a while that i have also realized that it's so depressing. i dont feel like i need to depend on a man for my happiness, but at the same time winter kinda sucks when you're alone and every where you look it seems like there are things that remind you of the relationship (or companionship) you long for.

knowing that the fools of the past couldn't handle (and weren't worthy of) what I had/have to offer, i'm pretty much chilling out until someone worthy of my time and everything else comes along. until then, i wait for winter to hurry the hell up and finish. christmas AND THEN valentine's alone? oh gosh lol...i wish i had a fast forward button for this...

...what are you sayin' will? lol
(ps. why do you date girls so far? by choice? or it just happens?)

Entries of a DiVA said...

I'm not going to pretend to know you like you stated in a previous post about people pretending to 'know' you. But I actually read the entire post. I will say you sound very genuine and I hope you find that 'lOve' you're yearning for.

Anonymous said...

do you have myspace?

Anonymous said...

This post is so gloomy. That probably wasn't your intent, only my interpretation. Makes me reflective on my own "relationship" and how much I still feel lonely.

Blog something funny. I'm on my Christmas break, currently unemployed, and now feel somewhat cheerless after reading this post... lol

N

be. • TheLegendsLeague • said...

that last picture is soo ill.

Anonymous said...

do u really exist?
are u a guy from a different dimension or a planet and accidentally landed on our cold world with your spaceship?


I secretly adore u!!

well, it's not a secret anymore.

D said...

Ahh William! I do love your emo posts! I feel like if I were dating you you’d be almost too nice (if there is such a thing) and I’d be like babe chill let me do something for you. You try so hard to make those around you happy, that I would want to do that for you all the time. Your jus so cute! I Loves it!

And I love the “sunshine” song! I forgot where I first heard it but it’s def the shit! The second verse is my fav. I want to be like that girl for someone but at the same time I’m just not looking forward to the possible heartbreak thing. I think I’d either fall hard and fast or like really slow and the dude would b like “I’m tired of trying, you don’t like me” because I’d have a wall up. Trusting someone with your heart is a task that I don’t know if I could do. I guess when I find someone who makes me feel a certain type of way I’ll think differently…know ne one? Eh…mayb not long distance relationships don’t seem fun.

The whole time I was reading Drakes “Come Winter” was playing in my head. And I flippin wish it would snow here! I love snow something about the silence when it does is grrreeat!

Peace!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Be. Do you realize the car is actually grinning despite being pooped on by the sky? Winter rocks!

bern said...

will you are the sweetest thing.
it's bern by the way (bry, sherwin and chris' cousin)

i don't think we've ever had a real conversation but i've read a few of your entries and am intrigued.

hope you find that special girl which in turn deserves what you have to offer - often times that's not the case because guys like you end up having bitchy spoiled girls that take advantage but i'll send out a wish that your next girl, will be different.

keep writin' youngin'
we're listening.
=)

Anonymous said...

the cutest! youre mush like baby food:)

Anonymous said...

the cutest! youre mush like baby food:)

seven said...

i can see your cutlass in the first pic... i miss it! lets go on a road trip with that!

T-Love said...

This was an intense post ... i actually have a tear ... i think a lot of people can relate to this one ... ;)
T-Love

tilt said...

damn i can't believe its snowing that much, i'm in LA right now and complaining about the rain and cold, but now i don't feel so bad. just makes me wanna go boarding now when i get back... (seven going on monday) and u should come too will, i'll even get ur lift ticket for u!

i feel u on christmas without somebody. i think its how everything just wants u to feel warm and be with the ones you love, and you see all these commercials/ads and songs about love, etc. so when u don't have someone, it just makes you think about it even more.

i remember one christmas, maybe 2 yrs ago? i had a date with this girl i was seeing to come chill at my condo and watch a movie, and exchange gifts and i got stood up. on CHRISTMAS! no phone call for a while, and then when i got a hold of her, she was like my friend needs me, she just broke up with her bf, etc... which i didn't buy it, but watev.
so i end up watchin "Click" that movie with adam sandler and for the 2nd time in my life i cried to a movie, ( i know click's a comedy but it got really sad when he was dying, sorry to spoil if u haven't watched it), and because ur laughing so much and then all of a sudden sadness, along with the fact i'm at my condo, all by myself on christmas watching it alone!

but u'll find someone special soon will, can't rush things that are special, just happens and when u least expect it and don't even try.

also agree with be on that last pic, looks like a face grinning.

s.a. said...

sometimes words just aren't enough to say how you feel...i am always on your blog but have never commented- this is my first time and this post was just EXTREMELY heart wrenching...

all i want to do is give you a big hug...and remember somewhere out there- she's waiting for you...

i sincerely hope next year during this time you dont have this feeling, and are writing about someone that you have done all that you have listed for...


much love,
s.a.

s.a. said...

p.s. Sunshine by Lupe is an amazing song...

(8) you're the stary skies above me, won't you please come down and hug me...

Maяіa .:* said...

Mmm hmm…so it’s official. You’re a ROMEO.

Love in bloom = Winter Love.

mea.banks said...

love and be loved
welcome it
learn from it
grow from it
wait for it
the right love will find you, your an amazing person.

The Definition said...

Seems like you say all the things a girl longs to hear and often times does not. Kinda wish I had my own little you lol...

"You never really understand how cold winters get until you've lost your source of warmth..." Truer words were never spoken. I'm feelin' that ish now. Something tells me that there is someone for you just around the bend. When she comes you won't be expecting her and she'll make you feel better than anyone ever has.

ps. that's my favorite song to ride home to after work. Best part, "She says that I been waitin for you, and I know you been chasin me too. Since they kidnapped from my castle I been thinkin of you. Told the fire breathing dragon he bet not harm me or be sorry, when he meets my one man army. And thou has come to rescue me. My knight in shinging armor yes you be." ::sigh:: luv that song

Crystal said...

looks like your car is smiling!

annnd I've learned to enjoy winter cuz I finally learned to snowboard last season...

soooo blue mountain here I come!

don't worry Will, you'll get yours.

Soulo said...

I think I know exactly the way u feel, similar to me I jus haven't been able to express it in words.