A difficult post to write...

(The picture above has nothing to do with the post...I just like it)

I should be in bed by now...

The York University strike is really fuckin my shit up...in terms of my focus and motivation to do work...well if its not their fault...then I have no one else to blame...except myself...so lets keep the blame on York. :)

I woke up today at almost 5pm...lets just say my mom wasnt impressed.

"What kind of a grown man sleeps until 5pm? What the hell are you doing with your life? You're not helping around the house anymore because you're always too busy! And you're not helping much in terms of the bills anymore because you said you're in school! You're up all night doing who the fuck knows what and you're all night taking pics! Is it paying you that much? Are you getting rich off this shit? If not, Id rather you stay at home and help me mop, sweep and clean your damn bathroom! What are you good for, really? Tell me? Anyways, there's a sale at Loblaws and I need you to pick up some toilet paper...Do you have 20 bucks? Or do I need to go through my purse to give you 20? If I have to give you 20 bucks, thats sad. Thank God you have 20 bucks. And can you send out that letter that Ive been asking you to send out...and I made you some noodles downstairs, try not to spill anything, and please wash the dishes after your done...And I bought a whole bunch of fruits for you! Make sure you eat your fruits! How do you live so unhealthy? And if you're not too busy can you PLEASE fill up the mop bucket and bring it downstairs...since you're so busy, this old lady will mop for you... I shoulda had a daughter."

...its sorta funny...but kinda not when I really think about it.
She can be pretty harsh, but there's love to be found in her words.

Thats exactly what I heard this morning...afternoon, rather when I woke up and went over to say goodmorning...good afternoon, rather.

Well I cant really blame her, I have become a lazy ass in the last few weeks.
Been going to bed at 7am almost everyday.

But the worst part is...Ive been feeling guilty every time I leave the house. Like I should be helping out a lot more and not just pursuing my own goals and dreams. That its important to be at home to look after her and assist her with the house work. Dont get me wrong, I do pay some of the bills and do a lot of cleaning up around the house...its just that Im rarely home.


Although she may yell at me a lot, I would miss it if it ever stopped.

"Make sure you drink milk."
"Brush your teeth now, if you're not eating for the rest of the night"
"Go to bed early, you're face is so blue. Whose gonna like you?"
"Go work out, no wonder why you're single."
"Go clean up you're room, looks like a rats nest." (it really doesnt)
"Wash your damn dishes!"
"Dont forget to lotion unless you want scaley snake skin."
"Always blow your nose when you come home, the air outside is dirty."
"Roll up your sleeves before you eat!"
"Did you wash your hands yet?"
"Put your phone away when you're driving, you're gonna die one of these days before you get to say bye to me."
"You're so stubborn, thats why they say its always better to have daughters. Daughters grow up and love their parents, and boys just fuck around all day and do nothing."

lol

Im always pissed when I get in the car and reverse out my drive way...but oddly (or not) enough, Ive been tearing once everyday for the past few weeks.
You know that heart sinking feeling, when your head suddenly feels a rush, you're eyes swell and gloss up, when you feel an uneasiness in your throat and ur body goes numb instaneously for a few seconds?

Thats been happening to me everyday for the last few weeks...Why?

I get sad about my mother. I get sad because I feel awful that my mom loves me so much and does so much for me and that I dont take the time to show her back.
I get sad at the thought of losing her, that although I dont take her for granted at all, sometimes my actions may seem as if I do.
I tear everyday, because I know how much she loves me...and I know how much she must feel like I dont.

I constantly think about death too.

Its weird.

But not in a deranged way. I just always feel like I could die at any moment for any reason. And I may die before I could say goodbye. But its not about me not being able to live my life no more and do all the things I dreamed of, but its about how I think my mother would feel if I ever left her behind.

My mom swears all the time, that the only reason she still cares to wake up every day and continue this life is to look after me and my two other siblings, that without us she would have no other reason to live.

I know I shouldnt think of these things, but I do everyday.

I try my best to always leave the house on a good note, in case something were to happen, she can remember our last moment and smile.

But my mom always tells me about how she's unwell...but she refuses to tell me or my siblings whats going on because she says we'd worry...

And that gets me even more paranoid...that maybe my mom could be gone any day now without me knowing.
And that thought frightens me.
My mom always tells me how miserable she is, and how lonely she always feels...that this life was not good to her from the start. But she dukes it out day by day because her children is what keeps her happy. She says:

"A tree alone is just a tree. Add another 3 and you've got shelter. Me alone, Im just a person, add the three of my kids, and thats my home."

...I know this is getting mad sappy...

But its probably important for a lot of you guys to reflect on the relationships you have with your own parents...

I sometimes come into my moms room while she's sleeping and kiss her goodnight and tuck her in.
I try to cancel certain plans to make more time for her and take her out.
I try not to really take tmr for granted and do whatever I can while the time still exists.
Life is a big hour glass...
the sand never stops pouring down.
The only issue is...its not really an hour glass...no one really knows when the sand is going to run out...so I try to act as if everyday may be my last.

I really do try to tell my mom I love her everyday. It always occurs to me to tell her, but I can never say it without being watery eyed...even a simple I love you gets me really emotional.

Its really weird yet it hurts me that I cant tell her how I feel. Whenever I tell her how much I appreciate her, my voice gets shakey and I often turn away and change the subject before I start tearing in front of her...Its obviously a stupid ego or whatever type thing...

It only makes it more difficult to tell her cuz she never believes me when I tell her. She says all I do is make her upset. If you love someone, than you should try making them happy, instead of making them sad. All I do is break her heart...When you love someone, nothing is a chore. When you love someone, the other's happiness is your own happiness.

"I only enjoy cooking, because I enjoy watching you eat it."

I usually have to call my sister when Im not home, and tell her to call my mom and tell her that I love her cuz I cant face my mom without breaking down...Im a real softy when it comes to my mom.

I really wanted to write the post with my bucketlist...all the things Id like to do before I died.
I realized why I couldnt write it...
I dont care to shake whomever's hand, go on a vacay to wherever or get to experience whatever...
There's nothing I really care to do before I die.
I realized that I dont care about anything FOR ME...

Before my mother and I depart in this lifetime, I want to be able to stand in front of her and tell her how I really feel...
To tell her I love her so much.
To say thank you.
To say sorry.
To hug her.
To kiss her.
To hold her.
To cry with her.
To smile with her.

For everytime that someone has paid for something for me, or has done me a favor and I felt that I owed them something back...then how much do I owe my mother?

How do I repay her?

There is no way to repay a mother for the love, time, effort, sweat, tears and blood.

Ive come to realize that my bucket list simply is to make her bucket list come true.

I want her to live in dream BEFORE she goes to sleep.


I promise you, everything that I am doing, I do for you.
One day, this will all change.
One day, you'll be proud.
One day, you'll be happy.
One day, you wont think about leaving.
One day, you'll see how great you are.
One day, Ill show you.
One day...but please be patient.

One day, mama.



One day.



Ps. Im horribly sorry, that I had to write this tonight. My conscience and mind have been all over the place. Im getting extremely lightheaded as I have been tearing while writing this entire post. I dont even know why I even wrote it...this post was supposed to be humorous initially, until my thoughts took me down a completely different path. Sorry for any grammatical errors or typos or the all over the place-ness of thoughts, I didnt really edit the post.

And to 'THATgirl' and her question, I will answer you in due time. I havent developed any insightful thoughts about your question yet.
And to the other's waiting on the soundtrack, Ill get to it soon enough, I promise.

I need to go rest my head now, its 523am, I need to wake up early tmr to look after my mom...I cant be writing all this and still be sleeping in.

Goodnight.