It snowed...I shovelled...

(Note to anyone who read this post from 2am-5am, I've changed the content of this post...so if u read it, its different now.)

Finally, Toronto's first REAL snowfall...

Funny, I took my mom to the mall (again) today, and I said...look its mid-December and its so mild and no snow...my mom said shut up before it snows later today.

...yea...I dont know if I jinxed it or if she did by saying that.
Whatev's.

Winter sucks

In fact winter has always sucked for me. I don't have very many good holiday memories either.

I remember when I first moved into my dads house back in grade 8, I didn't have a room so I slept on the floor in the living room by the christmas tree, while my dad, my stepmom and two other brothers slept upstairs on mattresses.
It was so depressing because everyone at my dads house slept at 8pm...and I was used to staying up til around 11 or midnite during those times.
There was no cable at my dads at the time nor books. I would juss lay staring at the christmas tree as the lights blinked in intervals until my eyes got watery and I fell asleep.
I had juss moved outta my moms house a few months ago and left all my friends behind.

Leaving ur mom and friends behind in the summer didn't feel so bad...but there's always something about winter that juss intensifies every emotion I possess.

Its something about the dry air, lowered visibility, squinting eyes, the frost bitten cheeks, frozen fingers, wet socks, numb toes, running nose, chattering teeth, grey skies, no sun, empty streets, dirt-stained snow and the eery howling of gusting winds.

The intensified feelings of isolation and emptiness...

U suddenly yearn warmth and love.

You know...I don't ever really remember being in love in the winter. I'm usually alone in the winter or trying to win someones heart in the winter. But I'm never really with anyone.

I always feel like winters the perfect time to show your worth and show how much u really care.

I remember a few winters back, when I had a girlfriend I used to sleep in my car in the winter with no blankets.
She lived far and I used to leave late and I used to fall asleep behind the wheel. I knew I wanted to see her the next day so I'd often go drive down the street park up and sleep in my car in the dead of winter.
Well this girlfriend is the only one I've ever been with in through the winter and u can imagine I cared about her a lot to do that.
I think I did that around like 5 times until I was finally allowed to sleep over.

I always like treking through winter storms or the worst days to go bring the girl I like some hot soup or tea, some flowers or a book to read. I like showing you that, regardless of the circumstance, my word is my word.
Unless my body cannot physically take me to you, I will always make it. And i always date girls that live far away. Always. (Except in grade 7).

I've been dying to have a gf in the winter to show up after class and drive her home so she wouldn't have to bus home on the cold, wet, damp and stank ass transit. So she could be warm.
I'd want to have hot tea in the car for her when she gets in, maybe fresh socks and another sweater or a small warm blanket. I wanna rub her hands til their warm and hug her til she stop shivering.

I wish I had a girlfriend to shop for for christmas. To sit down and think about what I'd like to make her...or buy for her...or write to her...or mail to her...or surprise her with, where I wanna take her...skating? Hot chocolate? Fire places in heavy knit sweaters? staying in, cuddling and watching christmas specials? ...what to get her folks and siblings...what to bring to the family dinner. The excitement of her mingling and getting to know my family and friends and vice versa with me. The integration of different realms of ur life is priceless.

(Side note, I know so many ppl, who date and choose to keep their gfs out of their business, like away from friends, family and work life/ leisure...I can't do that. When ur with me, ur a part of my life in every aspect. I want u to know about me and everything that's made me who I am, and I want everyone else to know the reason my heart smiles.)

I wish...I wish I had someone to love...lol. Sounds so lame (because this isn't like a desperate call for someone. Lol. Juss simply articulating my thoughts and emotions)...but I don't think u guys understand the size of my heart...
Some of u guys may think its amazing that a guy like me exists...but my heart is also a burden.
But a burden I'm willing to carry. Because my heart is someone's treasure.


I want someone to adore.

And I'd like her to see that through my actions.

In the summer everythings easy to do.

The winter things get difficult. But I like being consistent. Regardless of the circumstances, my treatment for u never changes unless I cannot physically do so and I know that because I've tried.

You never really understand how cold winters get until you've lost your source of warmth...


I am an oddly giving person and maybe too selfless for my own good. But I don't know how to be any other way.

My heart has grown to be quite cold in some respects, but its also allowed me to appreciate great ppl when I meet them.

It takes a lot more and more to impress me and to move me, but its not impossible.

I've realized that no one will ever be perfect for me. I only look to find a woman great enough for me to accept all that she is...flaws and all.

A woman I cannot do without

A woman I would consider changing my ways for...not to please her, but because I understand my happiness and her worth and to show appreciation.

None of my girlfriends were perfect, and neither was I for them. Its about acceptance and understanding their contribution to your life and its happiness; something I've come to forget every now and then.

But I really do try.

Winters are always cold to me...in more ways then one. All the layers, knits and fireplaces aren't sufficient.

I long for the warmth of a loving hug, a soft kiss, sweet whispered words and shared laughs

And I'm willing to weather whatever storm to get to it.

Winters might get cold, but spring eventually comes...


Thankfully, winter is just a season, and the cold feeling, is temporary.

Winter is inevitable...but so is spring.

I'm waiting to for my 'sunshine' to return the warmth within me...and my 'moonlight' to guide me in the dark...

Goodnite.


Ps. Go play 'sunshine' by lupe fiasco now. One of my fave songs ever.