I woke up this morning to a very surprising comment on my blog.A very good one, one that I never expected to receive.
Before I continue with the post, I need you guys to read or re-read this particular post again...just so we can all be on the same page.
I was going to just link the post, but the spoiler would be too visible...so Im just going to copy and paste this post again.
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"My Troubles"
I was a very troubled teenager back in grade 9. I had just moved out of my mom's house and moved in with my dad. Moving in with my dad wasnt the easiest adjustment that I ever made.
My parents had a lot of problems with eachother even though they separated shortly after I was born.
Their resentment for each other was often put on me. Im sure many of you guys can relate. I had moved from Mississauga to North York where I went to Amesbury and later on to Boylen. My friends that I left behind started feelings ways about my new friends and me not being to visit as much anymore. I never really felt comfortable at my new highschool. And at home with my dad I always felt excluded from the family that consisted of my dad, his wife and their 2 sons. I slept in the unfinished basement with a tiny window in the corner. (PS. I have this thing with dim lighting...my mood is greatly affected by the amount of lighting that I receive). I didnt like high school either. I dont know...same shit every other teenager goes through I guess.
As you may predict, I was contemplating suicide. My mind was filled with depression, wishing I was born in another life, in another body, in another time, with different parents with different friends. But like I said, my problems arent unique to other kids at that age, and they probably werent that severe.
I started writing a lot of poetry to vent. My french teacher Ms. Rosvelti started keeping an eye out for me after she read this:
WILL YOU CRY
Many nights Ive sat outside
Waiting for the Sun to rise
Counting down the days til I die
At times Ive felt it was time to bid farewell
Because my life seemed like a living hell
When I die, will you cry?
For about three days, but your eyes will dry
Will you see me tomorrow?
You'll never know
Maybe tonight Ill let myself go.
Fourteen years I have stood
But youve knocked on me
As if I were wood.
Upon my bed I lay at night
Planning for my final flight
To the place that has no light
For if I dont return
Then you will have learned
That I have left
With that great theft
Of taking my own life.
There are many reasons for me to leave,
But for if I do,
Do not grieve
Its just because I dont want to breathe.
For I love life
But does life love me?
Yes or no
We will see.
How much longer must I live this way?
This will all pass they say.
There were reasons for me to stay,
But theyve all gone away.
I want you to know
Ill still be thinking of you
Even when I close my eyes,
For that very last time.
When I die...
...Will you cry?
Many nights Ive sat outside
Waiting for the Sun to rise
Counting down the days til I die
At times Ive felt it was time to bid farewell
Because my life seemed like a living hell
When I die, will you cry?
For about three days, but your eyes will dry
Will you see me tomorrow?
You'll never know
Maybe tonight Ill let myself go.
Fourteen years I have stood
But youve knocked on me
As if I were wood.
Upon my bed I lay at night
Planning for my final flight
To the place that has no light
For if I dont return
Then you will have learned
That I have left
With that great theft
Of taking my own life.
There are many reasons for me to leave,
But for if I do,
Do not grieve
Its just because I dont want to breathe.
For I love life
But does life love me?
Yes or no
We will see.
How much longer must I live this way?
This will all pass they say.
There were reasons for me to stay,
But theyve all gone away.
I want you to know
Ill still be thinking of you
Even when I close my eyes,
For that very last time.
When I die...
...Will you cry?
Theres nothing super amazing about the poetry or my use of devices and my selection of words...but it gets the point across.
Anyways, I planned out how my last day would have been and I headed off to school to say bye to my friends...no one knew what was going on. (In retrospect, this is absolutely lame) But my french teacher was curious as to why I was extremely emo the entire day...
Well, lets just say Ms. Rosvelti saved my life and the rest is history.
But sometimes I think, man, what would the lives of everyone else have been if I was no longer here? Like anyone Ive ever touched or affected? How would everyone else carry on without me? Like how would my mother be? My father? My siblings? All of the girlfriends Ive ever had? All of the friends that Ive being lucky to have? Basically, every wonderful momeny I have ever lived through in the last 9 years would be non existent. No you. No me. No anything. Just nothing.
To think that I may have died and not have experienced everything in the last 9 years is a really depressing thought. Especially with who I know and have in my life now...
As hard as somethings were to deal with growing up, in the first 14 years or the last 9...I would do it all over again if I had the chance to...
I would live this life again, exactly how it was.
Appreciation and value is only gained through struggle and suffering.
I have never once thought about suicide since then.
As cliche as this sounds, what doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger. With every other obstacle you overcome, you build more character. Life is a lesson. Dont give up so easily. Things always get worse before they get better.
Ms Rosvelti, wherever you are now, thank you so much...
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I wake up every morning and I do 3 things while my eyes are still half open...(ok...quarter open since Im asian)...I check my blackberry for msgs, check my blog for comments, and check my facebook for any new notifications (all from my blackberry).
So I scrolled down on the screen and seen the commenter's name as 'Rosvelti'...
I thought I was tripping when I read that. So I rubbed my eyes and checked it again...I immediately turned around to turn on my laptop which was beside me on the floor and I had to re-read it on my laptop screen to make sure I wasnt still sleeping.
This is what the comment said
(she was my French teacher, hence the French intro)
I never ever thought she woulda found this post. I was in total shock. I havent seen Ms. Rosvelti since grade 9! ...that was 8 or 9 years ago!
Its almost like writing about Santa, and him actually one day reading it! Well Santa's not real but the emotions I got this morning are probably quite similar.
Wow, Ms. Rosvelti, you didnt leave any contact information so, I just wanted to say a few things...
Thank you for putting all the pieces together during that moment in time. Thanks for noticing my troubles. Thank you for going above and beyond your responsibilities as a teacher and seeing me as much more than just a student. Thank you for the talk, thank you for your thoughts, thank you for making me call my mom that day in your office and telling her how I felt, thanks for the hugs, thanks for allowing me to cry in your arms, thanks for your love.
You are a great reason to why Im still working towards being a teacher and wanting to assist youth.
Thank you for your inspiration.
I playback that day in my mind every once in awhile and I am so grateful that I had you as a teacher and in my life.
Where I am today, has a lot to do with you.
I can sit here and say thank you forever, but my words will never properly express how thankful I really am.
Know that your existence means a lot to me, and Im glad that feeling was mutual.
My hat goes off to you and to every great teacher that has truly cared for the well-being and health of their students. For going beyond their responsibilities and duties, and has acted on love and good conscience.
Thank you for being more...in every way...
and thank you for saving my life.
*Will tips his hat
Here's the post's link in case you wanted to read the rest of the comments.
CLICK HERE
So I scrolled down on the screen and seen the commenter's name as 'Rosvelti'...
I thought I was tripping when I read that. So I rubbed my eyes and checked it again...I immediately turned around to turn on my laptop which was beside me on the floor and I had to re-read it on my laptop screen to make sure I wasnt still sleeping.
This is what the comment said
(she was my French teacher, hence the French intro)
I never ever thought she woulda found this post. I was in total shock. I havent seen Ms. Rosvelti since grade 9! ...that was 8 or 9 years ago!
Its almost like writing about Santa, and him actually one day reading it! Well Santa's not real but the emotions I got this morning are probably quite similar.
Wow, Ms. Rosvelti, you didnt leave any contact information so, I just wanted to say a few things...
Thank you for putting all the pieces together during that moment in time. Thanks for noticing my troubles. Thank you for going above and beyond your responsibilities as a teacher and seeing me as much more than just a student. Thank you for the talk, thank you for your thoughts, thank you for making me call my mom that day in your office and telling her how I felt, thanks for the hugs, thanks for allowing me to cry in your arms, thanks for your love.
You are a great reason to why Im still working towards being a teacher and wanting to assist youth.
Thank you for your inspiration.
I playback that day in my mind every once in awhile and I am so grateful that I had you as a teacher and in my life.
Where I am today, has a lot to do with you.
I can sit here and say thank you forever, but my words will never properly express how thankful I really am.
Know that your existence means a lot to me, and Im glad that feeling was mutual.
My hat goes off to you and to every great teacher that has truly cared for the well-being and health of their students. For going beyond their responsibilities and duties, and has acted on love and good conscience.
Thank you for being more...in every way...
and thank you for saving my life.
*Will tips his hat
Here's the post's link in case you wanted to read the rest of the comments.
CLICK HERE
Salut!
C'est moi! C'est Mme Rosvelti! I'm really touched that you remembered me. My husband came across your blog and asked me if you looked familiar and, believe it or not, you did! I remember the events you wrote about in your blog and I most definitely remember the poem. I'm really happy that your are doing well and are helping others by sharing your experience. Keep well.