Call it courage or call it cowardice...
For once, i might consider calling it cowardice.
Ive gotten too comfortable on this blog.
Ive been on a bit of a ranting rampage and speaking a bit too freely about my emotions.
Ive spent so much time describing this emotional rollercoaster Im on without realizing how emotional this rollercoaster actually is.
I rant about how stressed, hurt and fuct up I feel and how its my right to feel this way because Im human...
but Ive somehow managed to forget that the things I may write about, although not intentionally about anyone, affects someone. I keep forgetting that they're human too.
That although I speak in general about my thoughts and what comes to mind, not everyone thinks like I do and will interpret my writing as I intended.
I wont lie, this past month has been quite troublesome for me. Its started off horribly and only got worse with each passing day. The more that I keep ignoring my feelings, the more insensitive I start to sound and the more of an asshole I start to look like.
Ive gone quit cold, careless, inconsiderate and heartless about a lot of things in the past few weeks.
Ive become easily aggravated and easily to start fights with.
I started realizing my financial issues, my falling out with certain friends, misunderstandings with family members, people questioning my intentions and character, lack of focus in school, dissatisfaction with almost everyone and everything around me including myself, and a loss of motivation and drive...
I know I know, 'Worse things happen to better people.' (Thanks Milana).
It doesnt mean its not hard to deal with...
It becomes very tedious to carry on and just slug it out when everything seems to be working against you. Every day is another NEW problem.
You dont know whether to carry on and see what you gain, or to slow down to salvage what you've lost. Its always a gamble, but Im trying my best to be as responsible and careful as I can at the table.
I would just like to take a moment to sincerely apologize to anyone that I may have offended (unintentionally) within the last few posts Ive dropped. Although I can sound cold, bitter, harsh and downright asshole like...I didnt mean to act so sour and air you out. The recent chain of events have hit me quite hard...a lot harder than I thought it did. Its no excuse for my behavior, but it is the reason for my behavior. Once again, I try to keep things as general as possible (well most times), but at times things can be translated to be very personal. I understand and I am sorry.
Thank you to Mon for yelling at me and calling me selfish...
Im just in a very unstable space right now.
I need to stop for a second, forget the things I dont have and re-focus on what I do have and work on that. I have so many wants and so many goals that I need to maintain and achieve, but Im constantly getting side tracked with the side missions. Im trying so hard to be good at everything and have only ended up being good at nothing, nevermind great at anything.
Ive been having a very difficult night knowing that Ive become the very same cold person that I loathe...that Ive been trying to avoid. Im shutting down a lot of opportunities and closing a lot of doors due to my past issues. I need to learn to let things go and keep progressing, that everyone and thing deserves a clean slate...but at my own pace of course.
How much longer can I stay strong before the world that I keep trying to hold together tumbles and falls on me?
I hate the fact that people have let the negative things in their life define the person that they are, the way they act and feel. That people have become so jaded and pessimistic. I hate that...and Im realizing more and more everyday how much Im becoming that person and losing myself...I fucking hate it.
In my opinion, to give in to my emotions is a weakness of mind and heart...but at the same time Im starting to lose all mind and heart and feel as if Im becoming the way I once was before...so what is this a weakness of?
?
I feel terrible...its 4am...and I still feel the need to rant and vent...
Im sorry to everyone that Ive let down, and to everyone Ive hurt. I really am...
I could be sleeping now...but its important that you know whats on my mind.
I need to figure out another way of channeling my negative and more personal emotions.
Thank you to everyone's whose been up talking to me day and night on BB or the phone and just hearing or reading me flipping out and throwing tantrums and then having to hear me laugh again as if nothing happened. lol. I can imagine it being quite weird...but thank you.
Im just going to relax for a few days...Im really gonna try to cut back on posts...sorry to everyone else who may be wanting more posts, but understand this moment of reflection and assessment is well overdue.
Its amazing how much I can write during times of high emotions, frustration and pain, but I need to show a lil more restraint in the feelings I express and be a bit more considerate and thoughtful of the reprecussions and the people it affects. Although this is my blog, this is not all about me.
Without change and without pain, we dont grow. I need some time to properly adjust and to properly heal.
I have a lot of thinking to do...
But ill let my silence speak for me...
Goodnite.
Got this track on repeat.
I cant stop listening to it...
PS. I guess this is a good time for everyone to actually scroll back in time and catch up on the blog...there are 300 posts that go all the way back to July. Ill talk to you guys soon.
10 comments:
Your blog is the first thing I read in the morning and the last thing I read before I go to bed...gonna miss you while you're on your hiatus, but your readers love you that much that they will understand. Hope this time out works out for you...we'll all be here when you get back :)
-Nicki
Take it easy Willy boo.
I say stop approving comments all together(dont even approve this comment! lol well, you can if u want) and just stay away from your blog for a few days...
go ahead and get caught up on school work. that is probably the most important thing you should be doing. and go through the healing process properly...
the more you blog, the more it becomes a distraction to what is REALLY important in your life...not saying your blog isn't important because it is...but like you said, your not gonna make everyone happy...so if ppl wanna complain about you not blogging for the next few days then screw them. your personal being is more important then their entertainment...
idk will, on most of ur post u either say you should be doing homework or your behind on homework...i say get caught up.
and your personal issues, I say deal with them properly, so you won't have to keep falling back into the same emotional state you find yourself in.
just deal with yourself for a minute chilly willy...
You need the time off Will. Just take it easy and take your mind off these things. Maybe this is a good time for you to catch up with your school work and just kick it. Your readers can wait for the new posts at another convenience. No Pressure kid! 1up
This post, for me, was your redeeming one. I'm glad you wrote it. I don't know you, but I'm proud of you for it.
I didn't comment on the other one (case of the ex primarily, among others) because I was worried about the tone of it. I wouldn't be true to myself, if I supported that. In fact, I've only ever commented on your blog once before (Late night @ Tremendous, I think)but for this one, I feel like if you're brave enough to put yourself out there, than I guess I should be too and tell you what I think.
I don't mean to judge or be mean, I just want to steer your thoughts to something you might not be thinking about. Based on conversations I've had with a very trusted friend and from a number of your other entries, I KNOW you're a great person, talented too (I think you underestimate yourself sometimes). But...you should realize that your ex's might be reading this blog, and people that know them might be reading this blog, those people may or may not know you too. Also, people you know read your blog and probably know your exs as well. So that post was kinda like a public hanging for those people who have hurt you in the past. Some of them aren't worth the hurt they caused you, some of them are because they taught you a valuable lesson, made you stronger, freed you up for something bigger and better or acted as the catalyst that started you on a new path. Plus, there's nothing better than being gracious to your exs when you really wanna punch them in the face and can't. It shows them that if you weren't worth the tears to them, than they aren't worth it for you either.
And if you hadn't posted this entry, I think you may have deterred some people from taking that risk and getting to know you. What if things don't work out, will they become the subject of a post like that? Trust me, there's a lot of gaurded people out there who need the assurance that they're gonna be somewhat safe before risking anything, I'm one of those people. Also, think about your career, you need to use your experiences to grow personally and professionally. As hard as it might be, you need to present yourself to the public in the best light. I'm not saying bottle it all up, spill it to a person you trust...i swear to god, you've been blessed with a bff who I think the world of, and I know you do too...you can count on him and clearly there's countless others too. Use them for your own sake and they won't let your world fall to pieces. Giving in to your emotions is not a weakness, I think it's a strength, but just keep em in check until the time and place is right.
I hope this didn't make me sound like too much of a mom, lol. I really do love your blog, I read it like most people read the morning newspaper, comments and all; it gets me thinking before class in the mornings. But take as long of a break as you need, everyone will still be here when you decide to start this up again. I hope the break helps you find happiness and clear your mind, just for you and independent of a significant other, because single life can be just as great.
Sorry for the novel...
JJ
One of my favorites and I think it applies here...alot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idDOW8JeR04
Peace.
some people will read what you write and think you are talking about them no matter how many times you write that your not talking about anyone in particular :( 'sigh' thats why I don't tell my friends I have a blog lol
will.i.am...
i am amazed at how much you remind me of myself a few weeks / months ago.
this year has been CRAZY, emotions all over the place and like you - i let it out, because i feel it helps. keeping it inside makes it 8923478913 times worse.
earlier this week someone told me "wow, you take others problems much lighter than your own!" that hurt me so much, because i know it's not true. first of all, this person doesn't know me and this person doesn't know or maybe doesn't understand what i am or have been going through.
there's one thing i know will, and that is you help so many people by talking about yourself and the things you're going through. look at all these comments... but you know what? there are so many other people who read your blog, but they do not comment. you help all of them AND it's always good to know that there's someone who's going through similar emotions and who's dealing with similar shit.
after my babbling a few months ago, talking about shit that's going on and things i do not know how to deal with, i learned SO much in the process. just by "talking" about it and letting it out. at the same time letting go of things, that's what blogging does for me, it allows me to "let go".
of course there are times when we're selfish. we know it and other people might see it too, but like i said yesterday - there's nothing wrong with it, at least not in your case. you're dealing with stuff, you're working things out for yourself and you need WILL time.
the other people who might make nasty comments about you or say that you're into yourself, ignore! they're the haters, they're the ones who wish they can be like you or have what you have.
i have a wonderful friend who will listen to me all the time. it doesn't matter what time of the day it is, it doesn't matter how many times she had to hear the same topic over and over. i mean, i drive myself insane, and there were times when i felt like i had to apologize, but she just says "stop apologizing, you're not doing anything wrong, you're just talking".
so, i would say the same to you. don't apologize, you're just talking and NEVER stop talking! :)
i get these hippie quotes in my inbox every morning. reading it yesterday made me think of things a little different. here's what it said...
Just do your best to keep yourself in balance. One of the first things that causes energy misalignment, is asking or demanding too much of yourself in terms of time and effort. In other words, you just cannot burn the candle at both ends, so that you are physically tired, and then expect yourself to have a cheerful attitude. So, the rule of thumb has to be: "I'm going to be very, very, very happy, and then do everything I have time to do after that."
Will, i'm gonna keep it short and sweet.
Take it easy on yourself, you are only human, An amazing human but everything you do isn't an un-natural reaction to something you've experienced or are going through.
Keep your head up and stay positive cause at the end of a dark tunnel... there is light!
I hope that didn't sound too corny.
xoxo
Nat
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