Here's a picture to lighten up the mood of this mornings post.
Ive been meaning to post up the pics from this weekend's events...but...due to the weekends umm...issues, uploading them and just merely having to look at them has proven to be quite difficult.
I cant hide the fact that Im a bit lost right now and in pain, but I can choose to hide (for as long as I can, anyways) the reason why Im down and out.
And really, thank you to everyone for the positive msgs and the support.
To anyone who knows the situation, please, Id ask that you do not mention it no more. Im hurt but I also need to start healing.
Ive never felt so much loss.
Theres a lot of other emotions I feel, but I do not have to disclose that.
This next point is not to imply anything.
You know what is a real gift and a curse? My 'popularity'. My status in the community. That is my gift and curse.
Gift because it makes me well known, gives me recognition and respect, it gives me opportunity and creates awareness. I receive more love and support.
My curse because it fucks up everything else.
Im upset because this issue has a lot to do with my problems. I never anticipated this nor its consequences on my life. And because Im so relatively new to the attention, Im not sure how to handle it. My lack of understanding for this issue has led to a lead to a lot of trouble for me.
Im fine with the attention around me cuz it doesnt affect my mentality and my ambitions, but the attention around has quite an effect on other realms of my life. It certainly takes its toll.
I wont even lie to you, sometimes I dont know if I can handle all of this...because of how it affects the rest of me. Im only human. I find myself running on empty a lot and constantly crashing.
I question all of this. I try to think of ways I can just go back to being normal and unknown.
How I can live my life and be uninterrupted.
Its not because I need peace or anything...its because a lot of people, and I mean a lot of people...and very important important people (and yes, much more than just one person) have come to misunderstand me, including best friends. Some people have lost sight of the person I am because they think Ive lost sight of who I am.
And yes, I am falling a part.
Im tearing apart.
People question me, and the question my lifestyle and they question my motives.
People question their capacity to deal with me, my lifestyle and motives.
And it fuckin sucks.
Because when something starts working out for me, something else has to fuck up.
yea yea yea, I know such is life right.
Doesnt mean it still doesnt fucking suck.
Sorry Ive become really bitter again. But it hurts a lot.
The situation hasnt caused me as much trouble as I had anticipated...but maybe it just hasnt kicked in yet.
I have had a very stressful weekend on so many different terms, with different people and for different reasons. I am completely drained...
I havent had a meal since yesterday when I woke up...
I havent decided what to do yet.
To ignore my feelings...or to give in and get over it.
It would be bad if I forgot without giving in to my pain...because I am human.
But it wouldnt be good either if I have into them and sulked...because I am human.
The pain and emotions remind me that Im human...that Im real.
I am lost in the entirety of the meaning of the word.
Sometimes I find myself wanting to just quit the blog, quit facebook and just disappearing.
But sometimes I say that I cant...
I cant run and quit everytime things get difficult.
Maybe certain people just werent meant to be in your life.
Some people in life are only in your life as long as they need to be to serve their purpose.
Once the point or lesson is received...they move on.
(Im still not referring to just one person or anyone in particular.)
Maybe I need to come to accept this...life is about sacrifice...
You have to risk something to gain something...my question now becomes...at the cost of what and for what?
Maybe the conditions just arent right at the time being and I need to just relax and recalculate this. This (in general) could work out later but I need to better comprehend everything around me before anything else can happen and happen properly.
All I can do is be true to myself and be completely me. I cannot make everyone happy, and I need to remember that always. I too often compromise my individuality and my true self for the satisfaction of others...meanwhile not very many people (friends, family etc) ever really gives a rat ass about me or can really grasp the type of shit I have to give up in order to make things work.
Everyone says, Will, you try too hard. Let things be. You're forcing things.
Well I say, I dont know what kind of level of quality in treatment you're used to but his is just how I am.
Im not 'trying' to do anything. Not trying to force anything. This is me. This may be trying to you or forceful to you, but I act this naturally. Im a giving person.
When you're mom is folding your laundry or cooking your food, your mother is trying to anything or forcing you to feel anyway, she's just being herself. She's just being your mother.
I dont half ass certain things because I cant play the 'what if' games. The more what if's I can eliminate in life, the better I feel. I need to know ive exhausted all options and potentialities.
This issue of people misunderstanding me in this area or questioning their position with me in referrence to my growth as a person has been a problem of mine for over a year or so now. But of course at different degrees and with different people.
I just feel so lost, because I feel that no one really gets me.
Especially when I really need them too.
I cant travel this road alone, I need company for this journey...I have a long away to go still.
A very long way...
I mean...my 'popularity' is so minor right now...Its only within the community and people are already misunderstanding me and bailing...what the hell will happen if this does get more intense? What then?
(PS. I am in no way blaming this issue on the reason why my weekend was bad. There were a combination of reasons for that which I will not discuss...and plus, I had more than just one thing go wrong this weekend...trust me...Halloween definitely has a new meaning to me now)
Im sorry guys, this is just a very difficult time for me.
I mask my problems really well in the faces and presence of other people because I dont like to burden people with my issues. We all have enough issues as it is, you dont need to pile mine on top of it.
I post my issues on my blog, because you can read it voluntarily as opposed to me forcing you to listen to me in person.
I beg for your understanding and patience.
Im having to find myself again and having to re-build myself in a different manner to keep myself operational and forward moving.
Like my homeboy Corwin said, everything in life happens for a reason. Trust that good things happen to good people. Let life play.
This is just how life works.
It fuckin sucks sometimes, but to get to heaven, im gonna have to travel through hell.
Im sure this is just a tip of the iceberg. Shit is only gonna get worse from here...Im sure this isnt as hard as life's going to get.
How much am I willing to lose to gain?
The worst part is, my gains arent even for selfish reasons...and my losses are quite large...
As it stands right now, I feel like I am losing a lot more than I am gaining.
Can I stand the rain?
We can always count on Bryan for artwork that documents the monumental events of our generation and relative issues of our time...
Just wanted to update you guys on whats going on...
